Talking To Myself
I have no idea when this started to be this often, but I am now officially a person who regularly talks to themself! I don't mean the inside your head kind of talking. No, I mean the out loud talking with inflections and answers to questions, asked by me out loud, given! Sheesh!
I knew I sometimes talked out loud or even swore with no one around in the privacy of my own home. However, I wasn't aware I did this in public. Like every time I go into a store. As an example, I was in Target and a woman close to me answered my out loud question of: "Oh I wonder if these come in smaller sizes?" I heard an unknown voice say, "I think the smaller sizes are over there." Huh? I wasn't talking to her. Why give me an answer? I smiled and walked away pondering if I asked my question loud enough for others to hear. I must have. I got an answer! I walked over to the shoe area looking for anything that is cute and has a supportive arch. I say out loud, "Shoot! These are more than I want to spend." Another unknown voice says, "There are shoes on sale at the end-cap." I look over and see a sales person is pointing to the end-cap area. I actually thank this person and walk to the end-cap pretending to look. What I am really doing is wondering if I talk out loud more than I realize. I manage to keep these questions and wonderings inside my head...until I hear myself actually say out loud: "Oh boy" and sigh louder than I should have. I can't seem to stop!
After my Target outing, I sat in my car for a bit. Thank goodness I found my car with little trouble or I really would have been a mess. I actually googled 'Talking to yourself' while sitting in the car. There is quite a bit of information if you are wondering. But what struck me is the reasons people do this. To my knowledge I am not afflicted with a mental disorder which includes talking to ones self as a descriptor of said disorders. However, I will offer Anxiety may be something to consider. But what I really looked for was Alzheimer's. My mom who has Alzheimer's talks to herself often. Sometimes it is loud and sometimes she mutters. Either way and no matter how we define it, I was doing the same thing and it scared me.
I am not a scientific person, but I did decide to ask around and see if I am or am not, alone in talking to myself out loud. I first introduced the question with family members. I casually asked a few if they have ever talked to themselves. I couched it with some funny story or added a more dramatic voice in my question as if I wanted it to be low key and not a worry I had. Some said yes; some said no. I didn't feel better yet. I then folded this question into conversations with girlfriends both of similar and younger age. It started out as a quick question added to a somewhat aligned conversation...such as talking about body changes or which face cream is the best. It went something like this: "Oh yes I have had to park in the same parking area to not forgot where I parked my car. It just works better for me. How about talking out loud to yourself? Anyone ever find themself doing this?" I had one person answer with a question: "What do you mean? Like saying something out loud when you remember something or do you mean a back and forth conversation you have with yourself?" That last part felt very personal and directed to me as if she knew I was having a problem. I was going to answer...and probably sound defensive...but another friend answered, "Of course! I do it all the time." I didn't breathe lightly yet. I went further. I wanted it to stay in the 'Oh that's so funny' realm. So I added, "Well now when we hear other women talking in Target out loud to themselves we should let them know they are not alone...maybe even answer them if they ask a question out loud!" Ha ha ha...
There was a fraction of a fraction of a second that passed before anyone made a sound or added a comment and I felt that with enormous anxiousness. I am happy to report many laughed and added their own story; even the woman who initially asked me a question about all of this at the beginning. Turns out she talks to herself as well. She doesn't have full on conversations with herself, but still, she talks out loud. I was breathing again.
In the end, I really do not know how common it is without having to be linked to something like Alzheimer's, but I feel a little better knowing others are talking to themselves out loud. I also have a dark corner in my mind which also knows my mom, who does have Alzheimer's, does this as well.
I am working on my worry by reminding myself I can still, in fact, remind myself! I find this to be helpful. So for now I am still doing some talking out loud...and I have even started singing out loud too. I figure it is better to be known as the crazy lady who sings! Right?