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'Gonna Go Round In Circles...'

I have been humming this song in my head for a couple of days now. It is my mantra I play when I feel like I am spinning. By spinning I do not mean spinning around in a beautiful dress that sprays around me as I, I meant the spins when I can't seem to find my rhythm and have lots of ideas and no follow through! It appears I am very good at this.

I seem to be stricken with some sort of disease that has me feeling energetic in my head and ever so tired in my body. I get excited to do one thing and think through it all and then I start to think of the next thing to do and how I can connect that to the first thing... that leads to another thought of another idea...and well, you get the picture. I truly wish there was a career to be made of simply having ideas!

Currently I am trying to figure out the next steps in continuing to keep my book and my speaking gigs in forward momentum. This involves a variety of thoughts. I can easily slip into wondering how do I get a hold of someone famous who could help me 'spread the word' in a big way. Or even better, how do I convince an agent to take my book and get it to the NYTime's Best Seller's List? Then I digress to thinking about how I could start to become that stalker person who ends up in court because the 'famous person' I decide on does not like people who follow them around with a book in their hand, or sends them FB or Instagram posts that suggests they would really love this book...honest! Or worse, I somehow figure out their mailing address and now they are really worried about who and what I am! So I spin. Plus, how do you convince people you really are normal from jail?

I write down ideas on post-it notes thinking this is how I will remember to do the next thing. Only when it is time, or I have the time, I can't find them. The notes might be in one of the purses I switched out at the last minute because I felt the other one was too bulky, and now regret that as I can no longer fit my plethora of goodies (that I need) into the new purse I am carrying around. And any who, where is the other purse I was using? Did I leave it in my car, or was it in the guest bedroom? No matter, Kohl's is having a sale and I have a 30% off coupon, so I can use that. Wait...where are those post it notes again? See what I mean? I spin.

I have learned to cope with this spinning thing for awhile now. By cope, I mean I acknowledge it exists for meI have no idea if it is an age thing or in any way related to my tinnitus, which ironically, causes me to spin...literally. I find it occurs when I have an anxious feeling of "I better get this done NOW" going on. I marvel at the people who can sit and write down ideas and then organize the time frame to get things done...and then the best part, they actually do it! They get it done! There are the others who seem very comfortable in the uncomfortability of it all. They are not worried it will happen, because they know it will...or won't. They are fine either way. What an interesting way to feel. To be. Because, truthfully, I don't want to spin anymore. I don't like to spin. Everything just feels too spinny.

I don't know if this is still considered within the time frame to make a New Year's resolution, given there are only two days left in January...but I am thinking I would like to proclaim a new one: 'Dim the Spin'!

My goal is to learn how to slow down. Not stop completely, because frankly I don't know what I would do with all of my free time. Rather, I want to slow down to allow things to come to me, but let a few float on by. I don't need to act on every thought I have. I am pretty sure I won't regret not doing the Polar Bear Plunge wearing a shirt with my book name on it (an idea I had); nor will I regret not walking around wearing a sandwich board with my book cover and contact information on it (I sort of thought of that). No, what I will regret is if I don't do those things that are meaningful for me and bring a sense of satisfaction. I have lots of ideas, and I get anxious when I think of doing them all...but not all have meaning or purpose for me. And I am learning, those are the ones to let go of. I know...maybe I should write those ideas on the post it notes...I lose them anyways!

So in the meantime, I am going to pay closer attention to those people who seem to not spin. I want to learn more. I am ready. I am told when the student is ready, the teacher appears. I want to pay attention to the teachers who appear. Of course, not in a stalker way. Unless I do find Oprah's mailing address...

In gratitude...

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